Set your Siri alarms, friends.

Make appointment! Sunday! 10AM! Movies About Girls Show Episode One Hundred and Thirty Three!

That’s assuming you’re a resident of the East Coast of Australia like myself. Say you were a resident of the East Coast of the United States of America – then you will need to instruct your robotic telephone buddy to alert you at 6PM, Saturday.

It’s time for the Movies About Girls Show proper. It’s the first for the year, and it should be a blast. We’re taking a look at Weird Science. Plus, goofy news, top five and bottom five DVD releases, the excitement of hearing me host Let’s Fuck Up The Podcast (our fair and balanced podcast review segment), episode 10 of ‘On the Boarderline: A Doctor Rock-umentary’ and more. Much more. Hours upon hours of listening pleasure.

Just head over to loucaster.com to listen live, or look for the podcast on iTunes once it’s all done.

For obvious reasons, I should think.

I like both Final Fantasy and Japanese developer Tri-Ace. It is pretty safe to say this is what my weekend will consist of.

Tri-Ace would not top the list of favourite developer for many people, but they’d be up there rather high for me. Their games are always inevitably somewhat disappointing in one or two important ways, and the dialogue rarely rises above the level of psuedo-intellectual rambling. But there’s something I like about their work, especially recently.

Star Ocean, Infinite Undiscovery and Resonance of Fate were all terribly enjoyable 360 RPGs. All three had impressive (albeit slightly busted) fighting systems, great levelling systems, totally flat characters, and truly awful story-lines.

So I’m looking forward to playing Final Fantasy XIII-2, which I have literally just walked into the house carrying. Having read very little about it (not out of any active avoidance, just general apathy toward gaming news these days) I am expecting a story of shocking blandness, good things, idiot things, frustrating things and borderline game breaking things. And maybe even one or two great things. I’m also expecting half an hour of crap before the game starts.

An entirely typical Tri-Ace game, in other words. Should be fun (85% of the time, anyway).

Update: Okay, so I just went to start playing it and it turns out the genius at the shop I bought it from forgot to give me the actual game. He gave me some shitty tin box I don’t really want and a code for some kind of download, but no actual game. Oh well. The half hour of bullshit was putting me off starting it tonight anyway, and I still have five episodes of the third season of Ashes to Ashes to watch. Which I plan to.

In honour of the astounding success of the first Krampus single out now on Bandcamp (an unbelievable 6 plays, as we go to press) it is my distinct pleasure to offer these free (FREE) ringtones (FREE ringtones!) for your mobile smart telephonic communications device of choice. Sorry Nokia 3310 owners. I haven’t transcribed it note by note into composer format yet.

There are two ringtones for your telephone answering pleasure. And I do mean pleasure.

The first is from the bit in the song where Jeff goes, ‘Oh oh oh / We gotta gotta go’. Christine from the Movies About Girls Show and Paracinema Magazine asked for that one.

Here is an MP3 version of the first Krampus Ringtone. If you have an Android type thing, this would probably be the one to go for.

Alternatively, if you use an iPhone, you should download this version of the first Krampus Ringtone. Simply unzip the file and drag it into iTunes for fun and dancing every time you receive a call.

Alternatively, if you like the bit where Jeff goes, ‘We like to party! / We like to rock the party hard!’ then the second ringtone will really tickle your fancy.

Here is the MP3/Android version of the Krampus Ringtone #2.

Here is the iPhone version of the Krampus Ringtone #2.

I hope it is your new favourite thing about being called on your mobile telephone by people.

[While trawling the web to find the Doctor Rock logo (a masterpiece of graphic design), I came across this. It's the bio written for the second Doctor Rock website.

Perhaps the way it is written hints at a secret longing to do interviews. Doctor Rock only ever did one, with the same five preprepared questions the magazine put to every new band. The only thing I remember from it was that Scrappy claimed our name came from the fact that it was an anagram of 'C Dork Root'.

This is the worst bio I have ever read, and after five years of music journalism, I feel I am in a position to truly judge that. If I were a booker, I would not only refuse to book the band, but probably also set the bio on fire.]

Dr Rock Q And A Session

Q: So, this is the new Doctor Rock bio?

A: Yes, that’s right.

Q: And this is the “wacky” style you guys are using this time?

A: Yes. We feel we have a history of wackiness in bios to live up to. I realise that your use of the word “wacky” had a certain touch of sarcasm to it, but I honestly believe that our previous efforts have been, if not exactly wacky, then at least unconventional.

Q: Would you care to elaborate on that?

A: Well, our first bio was written in fairy tale style, and was two A4 pages long, in size 8 font. It can still be found somewhere on our web page, at drrock.stormloader.com. We have also done bios in diary style, in HTML and JavaScript formatting, and of course, then there are the ones that we’ve written while drunk.

Q: So you’re not drunk now?

A: No, actually, this is to replace the one we wrote a few days ago while drunk. It was shit. We were kind of surprised. But, no, I’m not drunk at all. I’m actually in my room. It’s a Thursday.

Q: This would probably also be the first bio written in first person, right?

A: I believe so, yes.

Q: And you are?

A: Oh, right, I guess I should have gotten to that earlier. I’m Ptism, the bass player, and sometime singer.

Q: And the other members?

A: Watch the fragmented sentences. Grammar is underrated in today’s society, I believe. I mean, look at SMS for example. I cannot abide people who use abbreviations like “U” for the word “you”, and, more importantly, I cannot abide the use of incorrect punctuation. Even worse is when no punctuation at all is used. And, yes, I realise the irony in the fact that that was a fragmented sentence.

Q: You’re digressing quite severely.

A: Sorry. I know. Well, there’s Mick, who is our drummer. He works as a hairdresser in Ballarat. He’s probably the best drummer we could have ever hoped for. Maybe that’s a kinda weak compliment when you actually think about it, but he really is. Then there’s Matt, who’s our singer, and sometime bass player. He works at Safeway in Ballarat. Notice that I’m using people’s job’s to define who they are, personality wise? I don’t think the world should work that way, but it does. Anyway, Matt, he’s an ace singer, he really is. He can do some amazing things with his voice, not the least of which being he can sometimes sound like Axl Rose. We also have Scrappy, who plays keyboards and organ. He works with me, at Living Fabric in Oakleigh, which is a fabric wholesaler. Scrappy is a classically trained pianist, who learnt for seven years, or maybe more. He’s like a grade 6 or something, which is pretty fucking good. Last, and arguably least, is Clemo, who works at Safeway in Newmarket. Actually, he’s not the least – he’s quite a good guitarist. He should be – he practices for like two hours a day.

Q: So, you guys are pretty good then?

A: I didn’t say that.

Q: But…

A: No, it’s kind of a case of the whole being less than the sum of its parts.

Q: Oh.

A: Well, we’re good with gimmicks.

Q: Yeah, I hear you wear dresses a lot.

A: That’s such bullshit. Who told you that?

Q: Spagger; the bouncer from the Bridge Mall Inn.

A: Christ – for the last time, I’ve worn a dress like twice. Ever.

Q: Anyway. You guys have a CD out, right?

A: Hey, yeah, that’s right. It’s called ‘More Ways To Have Fun!!’ and it has five tracks, one of which I sing on, and four of which Matt sings on. We recorded it for only $46.

Q: That doesn’t sound promising.

A: No, I can see now how it probably wouldn’t. Ignore that thing about recording costs then.

Q: No, I mean the fact that you’ve named the CD after a Tatts Pokies advertising slogan.

A: Err. Yeah. There is that, I guess.

Q: So do you have any bragging stories about the big names you’ve played with, or the massive gigs you’ve headlined, mainly because your friends organised them?

A: What, you mean apart from the wicked gig we played at Ballarat’s Central Square Chopping Centre? That was a highlight of our career, in my opinion. Well, until we got asked to half the volume of our instruments after two songs. Mick had to start playing with his hands. Oh, and then we got booted out after another two for being too loud still – while the drummer was still playing with his hands! Shopping centres eh? Anyway, we’ve played with Area 7, and the Testeagles, oh, oh, and Stormfront. And Klinger – they were nice to us, and actually watched our set. I’d whinge about the awful life of a supporting band – ignored by the headliners! Oh, the horror! – but you’ve probably heard enough of that already, and let’s face it; we pretty much bring it upon ourselves.

Q: What – you bring the role of a supporting band upon yourselves?

A: Well, would you come and see us headline?

Q: Um…I wanted to at that gig you did actually headline, but there were other things on that night – things with free beer on entry.

A: That’s my point.

Q: I’d have no problem watching you guys if you were supporting a band I liked.

A: I appreciate that.

Q: Why are you writing the bio, Ptism?

A: Because I’m the Official Bio Writer.

Q: Who says?

A: Scrappy.

Q: So?

A: He’s the Official Delegation Delegater.

Q: That’s…truly great. Really. So what do you sound like, anyway?

A: Oh man, I knew this question was coming up. Look, I don’t really have an answer for this. We sound like Doctor Rock. Some people like to use the words “filth”, “cradle” and “of” – not necessarily in that order – but I don’t get it myself. For one, I’m too nasal a singer to do anything brooding, or even serious, now that I think of it. And plus, metal bands of that ilk have better keyboard tones than us, and they’re less geeky. Didn’t I give you a CD to listen to? Isn’t that the point of me giving you a CD?

Q: Probably, but…

A: But nothing. Make up your own mind. And before you say it, I’m aware that that was a fragment.

Q: I like the fact that you’re bringing the bio full circle. Is this an indication that we’re almost finished?

A: Yes. The thousand-word mark is fast approaching. That is, unless you have anything else to ask.

Q: Well, do you feel you’ve achieved everything you wanted in these three pages?

A: No, no, not at all. I can’t imagine what anyone reading this would possibly be thinking. Can I just add at this point how much I truly hate Rove?

Q: You’re watching Rove?

A: Yes.

Q: I thought it was a Thursday? Why is Rove on?

A: Actually, it’s not a Tuesday. It’s taken me six days, on and off, to write this thing. I have excuses though, you know, I went to Ballarat to see Matt and Mick, and I’ve been playing Final Fantasy VI every time I get on this computer. Not that I’m a hopeless geek.

Q: Um, right. What about your contact details?

A: [insert appropriate details here]

Q: Thanks. So are you guys real doctors?

A: That question only gets funnier each time I hear it.

Q: Ptism, you still don’t how to end a bio, do you?

A: No.

As may be obvious from the fifteen billion Doctor Rock posts here, I play music. Today, I’d like to talk about new music I am making, with my pal Jeff Crazy from the Movies About Girls Show and and also from popular music groups Helltrack and The Browns and also from Medicine Hat, Canada.

Our band is called Krampus, and we like to make electronic music about parties. Jeff is the vocaliser and I am the tune manufacturer.

We were formed on the Xmas episode of the Movies About Girls Show (in Skype chat, so not actually on the show, technically) and then I sent Jeff eight songs in about a week. Jeff thought two of them were appropriate for the sound he is after. Now I have to stop writing songs in minor keys and stop being a gloomy guts.

Anyway, our first single is called This is how we do it on Friday nights. It’s about how we do it on Friday nights (or how Jeff says he does it, at least. Personally, I am very sleepy on Friday nights and like to lay in bed and watch movies).

You can find the song on our Bandkramp page HERE or you could just click the thing below. I hope you like it.

This week, a short-but-sweet hour-ish long podcast wherein the gang shows up, cracks wise, and then splits. Also, we revisit that time Jimmy Ether and Ken flipped out on menthol sticks.

And Ken talks a little bit about the pictured movie.

You should see it!

Anyway, bite-sized fun!
Download/listen HERE!
Subscribe on iTunes HERE!
Goodbye song by Bobby McClure
See you next week! 

[While trawling the web to find the Doctor Rock logo (a masterpiece of graphic design), I came across this. It's the first bio even written by Doctor Rock, or, to be more accurate, the first Doctor Rock bio written by Clemo and I. 

We put it together for the band website I made for year 12 Media Studies. I got an A.

It's odd to think that we actually handed this out to venues and promoters. Personally, I would not have hired us. We did a number of bios after this - some more coherent, some less. One was a four A4 page document written by Scrappy and I in 'dear diary' style while drunk at a party. Unfortunately, this has not survived.]

A fairy tale written by those in Doctor Rock…aka Our Bio:

In February 2000, suffering acute depression after being ejected from the ranks of Ballarat’s most hated punk band*, Mr. Feenjeen, for suggesting they play a song that wasn’t in 4/4 timing, bassist Ptism began hallucinating. Ptism claims he remembers nothing of the days February 8-23, and for proof offers the fact that he is still wanted, dead or alive, in twenty three dimensions for crimes involving a microphone, a hip-hop breakbeat and Plastic Bertrand’s Ca Plane Pour Moi.

Sometime during those fifteen hazy days, while Ptism was in his vulnerable state, he was tricked by the evil guitar-playing elf, Boyle, who has since hijacked a suitable human vessel, into joining a band. Together, they formed the Tokyo Joystick All-stars, Ballarat’s premier electronic act.

[RIGHT: artist's impression of Tokyo Joystick All-stars]

The trio was ready to crank out some tunes when, suddenly, Ptism was beamed aboard a pan-dimensional reformation space station. Appearing in front of guitarist and judge Clemo, he was offered a choice; the appropriate sentence for his heinous crime, death; or let Clemo join Doctor Rock. Ptism, realizing this was a perfect chance to further his evil plan to turn Doctor Rock into Taxiride by employing four guitarists, eagerly agreed. The four then began to write and practice enthusiastically in anticipation of their first “gig” – a chance to play at Josh from Feenjeen’s birthday.

After a total of four and a half hours practice, Ptism decided they were ready. Later that night, the four played a rugged and shambolic set beginning with the ever-professional Ptism’s revelation that he had, in fact, forgotten all the words to all their songs. Seeing their obvious potential for spreading chaos and evil, singer and love child of Satan, Matt proffered his services to the band. Ptism, while not entirely unhappy with his improvisation of “Something, something, something, something, something, oh, fuck you all” during the verse of Duran Duran’s Girls On Film, was still eager to be able to concentrate on simply playing bass, so accepted. But the now five piece Doctor Rock realized something…they were still relying on Scrappy’s keyboard for drums. One day while practicing in Clemo’s garage, Matt found a strange object. Pausing to clean the dirt off he realized it was a magic lamp, and out of it came drummer, Feenjeen bassist and genie of the lamp, Mick. Mick offered the band three wishes, which they enthusiastically accepted.

“I want a slab that never runs out!” said Matt.

“I want you to be the band’s sex symbol!” said Ptism.

“And I want world peace!” said Boyle.

“No!” said Scrappy. “What we REALLY need is a drummer!”

“Done!” said Mick, and metamorphisised into Doctor Rock’s drummer (and resident sex symbol). And everyone was happy, except for a family of nine in Afghanistan, who were killed by government agents for supposed treason.

Doctor Rock continued to practice for some time after this event. If only they had foreseen the horrible event that loomed above their future like the three tonne anvil suspended only by a frayed rope. In fact, the event was a three tonne anvil suspended only by a frayed rope. And, unfortunately, at the time, Boyle was standing underneath it. Boyle is now recovering in hospital, but is expected to be paraplegic for life, and, accordingly, is out of the band. Get well soon, Boyle, you little trooper.

Doctor Rock have been described as “ska”, “rock”, “rap”, “crap bio writers” and “Middle-Eastern flavoured” and have also been accused of playing “that ethnic shit” by Feenjeen’s Boring Tim. This obvious musical diversity comes from their range of influences, which include: the teachings of Karl Marx, Richard Marx, Groucho, Zeppo, Harpo and Chico Marx, Mr Bungle, Mr Feenjeen, Plastic Bertrand, A-Ha, Wesley Willis, Toto, Ultravox, Milli Vanilli, the Dalai Lama, Ween, those giants with their big big spoons, Faith No More, Alfred Lord Tennyson, cheese, Thatcherite economics, Derryn Hinch, Joseph Conrad, Jellybean Addiction, Vyvyan and Neil from the Young Ones and the Elliot brothers – Herb, TS and John.

Doctor Rock have great hopes for the future. That is, of course, assuming there will be a future, because, let’s face it, the last age of man is upon us, as prophesied in the bible (Psalm 1:1, if I’m not mistaken). Anyway, if we do survive past the age of 20, we hope to be acknowledged as the crappest band in Victoria, a title we already hold in our hearts.

People who didn’t take any notice of this wish include: the judges at the 2000 Battle of the Bands, who placed us 5th out of 9 bands, and your mum. Who really likes us. Well…she likes Clemo. We can’t explain that…anyway, I’m digressing…

And, we were nominated in the Ballarat Independant Music Awards! Sure, we didn’t win (what, you were really expecting us to?), but, well, we did better than Feenjeen.

So, as well as that, the Bridge Mall Inn keeps getting us back there too. And they pay us money. And give us drinks. As in, us. I mean, what’s wrong with these people?! Oh, and…um…we’re all very brave, and have all had lots of girlfriends. No, really.

Various members of Doctor Rock (well…ok…Ptism and Clemo) were involved in writing the Feenjeen bio for last years Battle of the Bands, which was described as “the crappest bio ever” by a Funship member. This bio has been an attempt to take over that title. We feel we have been successful, but, unfortunately, we still don’t know how to end a bio.

Erm…

Love,

Doctor Rock

* According to a quick poll of the Doctor Rock office.

Hi friends. I just made this totally sweet iPhone ringtone from Dschinghis Khan’s Moskau (aka Moscow by Genghis Khan). So I thought to myself, why not let everyone else in on the fun? Moskau was the group’s entry for the ’79 Eurovision Song Contest, representing West Germany. They didn’t win (that honour went to Hallelujah by Gali Atari and Milk and Honey, a song I have never heard of before now) but Moskau was a big hit anyway. It was number one here in Australia for six weeks. Nice work, Australia.

I was under the impression for some years that it was the theme of the 1980 Moscow Olympics. Sadly, that is untrue. It should have been the theme of the 1980 Moscow Olympics, let’s just say that.

Here is the Moskau ringtone. Unzip it and drag it into iTunes and it should be ripe and ready for syncing to your phone. Then you too can party like it’s 1979 every time you get a call.

Finally here is the awesome video. RIP Louis Hendrik Potgieter, you charismatic weirdo.

Also, we revisit the Jimmy Ether clip where he tells us what rich people do for kicks. Hint: they do not actually do that.

Bite-sized fun!
Download/listen HERE!
Subscribe on iTunes HERE!
Goodbye song by Virgil Henry
See you next week!

Bite-sized fun!
Download/listen HERE!
Subscribe on iTunes HERE!
Goodbye song by The Du-Droppers.
See you next week!