[The MAG Follies is a podcast put together by Movies About Girls' own Ken McIntyre and Bo Duley, in which they delve into the wonderful world of vintage comedy, once a month. This month, I joined in on the fun! And WHAT fun!]

Movies About Girls Radio Network Proudly Presents…The MAG Follies!

Time for laffs! Join the Giggles for Guzzlers panel-o-zanies as we present three hours of the best, worst, and weirdest of vintage comedy LPs from the 50′s, 60′s, 70′s, and beyond! Hear gutbusting bits from the Smothers Brothers, Jimmy Lynch, Henny Youngman, Cheech and Chong, Andy Parks, Archie Campbell, Wally Cox, Terri “Cupcake” O’ Mason, and many, many more!

You’ll laugh, you’ll cringe, you’ll…I guess laugh some more. The MAG Follies podcast – where the fun never starts!

Listen/download HERE!
Thanks for listening!

['On the Boarderline' is an ongoing segment on the Movies About Girls Show, in which I talk about my high school/post-high school band Doctor Rock. As the intro goes, it's done 'song by song', meaning there's probably around 100 episodes to come eventually. What follows is the script of the segment, as well as the .MP3 of the episode's featured song.]

Tschüß, listeners! Welcome to the momentous episode ten of the documentary the world can’t stop talking about, ‘On the Boarderline: A Doctor Rock-umentary’. Over the coming weeks, months, maybe even years and possibly even decades, we’ll be working our way through the back catalogue of these sand kickin’ bullies of the Ballarat, Victoria music scene, song by song by song by song by song.

We have just one more original to go, and then [a medley of] two more covers, before we’re done with ’45 Minutes of Rock’. It seems like just yesterday that we started, I know, but time does fly when you’re having fun and all that. This week, it’s Abasid. We talked about this one back in episode two of the Rock-umentary – it a lengthy middle eastern jam performed by completely incapable teenagers. And boy is this version lengthy. The first thing I thought when I started listening to it was, ‘Man this goes on fucking forever’. And it really does.

I can only imagine what the people subjected to ’45 Minutes of Rock’ thought. As I mentioned previously, the tape was played not only to my father and sister in the car on multiple trips to school, but also to members of my year level in the senior common room. We had a tape player that would be used for mix tapes (generally stopped after two songs before someone else took over). Doctor Rock managed to play the entire demo right through, start to finish, ’45 Minutes of Forcibly Having to Listen to Doctor Rock’, on a number of occasions.

Let’s play the song in the background here so you can picture it. A little theatre of the mind.

You’re a spunky 18 year old girl named Jess. You’re sitting there trying to eat your sandwich and hang out with your boyfriend, Sam Falkinder. One day, he’ll be your ex-boyfriend, an unfortunate case of high school sweethearts drifting inevitably apart. One day, he’ll be an IT consultant and home owner. But you don’t know that yet.

You’re tired. You’ve just finished an essay based learning outcome on Camus’ ‘The Ousider’ in English, and those fucking Doctor Rock jerks are playing their shitty demo tape again, blasting it so that everyone has no choice but to hear it. Almost a third of it is taken up with some strung out, eye wateringly uncoordinated jam they seem really enthusiastic about. ‘Check out how fucking awesome this is,’ their loudmouthed guitarist, Clemo, shouts at you, silencing attempts at conversation and demanding focus on the tape player.

‘This, uh, this is my band,’ you hear the bespectacled bass player say awkwardly to some red headed girl over by the sink. It’s awful, and you want it to stop, and yet you’re only 3 minutes in. there’s still 10 to go, and the band show no sign of locking into that groove.

To former and current friends who had to deal with that, I’m sorry. Also to the red head in question I’m sorry for later telling you not to flatter yourself when you accused me of treating you like a trophy girlfriend. that was kind of a jerk move. but anyway.

Unable, as I am, to hear the first performed and practised versions of Abasid – by the drummer- and singer-less doctor rock, with second guitarist Jake playing or at least standing stoically next to the band – I can’t tell how different this is. I can hear a lot of what the song became, in little elements that would eventually be given proper structure – maybe some were played for the first time this day, and through our literally hundreds of listens to the tape, we incorporated them into the final song. I gather maybe that is what some proper bands do but I’m not sure because I have never been in a proper band.

Enjoy the mercifully short clip of Abasid, then look for the MP3 below. And then after you’ve done that, please join us next time for another episode of ‘On the Boarderline: A Doctor Rock-umentary’.

Download Abasid

Tonight, the gang takes on 1985′s teen sex comedy classic, Weird Science!

Plus: Let’s Fuck up the Podcast, the top 5 bottom 5 DVDs of the week, weird news, Songs about Girls, and lots more!

More fun: Leave us a voicemail! 617-300-0669!
Check out our message board!
Join us on Facebook!

PS: Songs on tonight’s show performed by:
Jennie Lee Lambert
France Gall
Randy and the Holidays
Jolliver Arkansas
Connie Francis
Astrud Gilberto

Thanks for listening! Next show: MAG Follies!  

Set your Siri alarms, friends.

Make appointment! Sunday! 10AM! Movies About Girls Show Episode One Hundred and Thirty Three!

That’s assuming you’re a resident of the East Coast of Australia like myself. Say you were a resident of the East Coast of the United States of America – then you will need to instruct your robotic telephone buddy to alert you at 6PM, Saturday.

It’s time for the Movies About Girls Show proper. It’s the first for the year, and it should be a blast. We’re taking a look at Weird Science. Plus, goofy news, top five and bottom five DVD releases, the excitement of hearing me host Let’s Fuck Up The Podcast (our fair and balanced podcast review segment), episode 10 of ‘On the Boarderline: A Doctor Rock-umentary’ and more. Much more. Hours upon hours of listening pleasure.

Just head over to loucaster.com to listen live, or look for the podcast on iTunes once it’s all done.

For obvious reasons, I should think.

I like both Final Fantasy and Japanese developer Tri-Ace. It is pretty safe to say this is what my weekend will consist of.

Tri-Ace would not top the list of favourite developer for many people, but they’d be up there rather high for me. Their games are always inevitably somewhat disappointing in one or two important ways, and the dialogue rarely rises above the level of psuedo-intellectual rambling. But there’s something I like about their work, especially recently.

Star Ocean, Infinite Undiscovery and Resonance of Fate were all terribly enjoyable 360 RPGs. All three had impressive (albeit slightly busted) fighting systems, great levelling systems, totally flat characters, and truly awful story-lines.

So I’m looking forward to playing Final Fantasy XIII-2, which I have literally just walked into the house carrying. Having read very little about it (not out of any active avoidance, just general apathy toward gaming news these days) I am expecting a story of shocking blandness, good things, idiot things, frustrating things and borderline game breaking things. And maybe even one or two great things. I’m also expecting half an hour of crap before the game starts.

An entirely typical Tri-Ace game, in other words. Should be fun (85% of the time, anyway).

Update: Okay, so I just went to start playing it and it turns out the genius at the shop I bought it from forgot to give me the actual game. He gave me some shitty tin box I don’t really want and a code for some kind of download, but no actual game. Oh well. The half hour of bullshit was putting me off starting it tonight anyway, and I still have five episodes of the third season of Ashes to Ashes to watch. Which I plan to.

In honour of the astounding success of the first Krampus single out now on Bandcamp (an unbelievable 6 plays, as we go to press) it is my distinct pleasure to offer these free (FREE) ringtones (FREE ringtones!) for your mobile smart telephonic communications device of choice. Sorry Nokia 3310 owners. I haven’t transcribed it note by note into composer format yet.

There are two ringtones for your telephone answering pleasure. And I do mean pleasure.

The first is from the bit in the song where Jeff goes, ‘Oh oh oh / We gotta gotta go’. Christine from the Movies About Girls Show and Paracinema Magazine asked for that one.

Here is an MP3 version of the first Krampus Ringtone. If you have an Android type thing, this would probably be the one to go for.

Alternatively, if you use an iPhone, you should download this version of the first Krampus Ringtone. Simply unzip the file and drag it into iTunes for fun and dancing every time you receive a call.

Alternatively, if you like the bit where Jeff goes, ‘We like to party! / We like to rock the party hard!’ then the second ringtone will really tickle your fancy.

Here is the MP3/Android version of the Krampus Ringtone #2.

Here is the iPhone version of the Krampus Ringtone #2.

I hope it is your new favourite thing about being called on your mobile telephone by people.

[While trawling the web to find the Doctor Rock logo (a masterpiece of graphic design), I came across this. It's the bio written for the second Doctor Rock website.

Perhaps the way it is written hints at a secret longing to do interviews. Doctor Rock only ever did one, with the same five preprepared questions the magazine put to every new band. The only thing I remember from it was that Scrappy claimed our name came from the fact that it was an anagram of 'C Dork Root'.

This is the worst bio I have ever read, and after five years of music journalism, I feel I am in a position to truly judge that. If I were a booker, I would not only refuse to book the band, but probably also set the bio on fire.]

Dr Rock Q And A Session

Q: So, this is the new Doctor Rock bio?

A: Yes, that’s right.

Q: And this is the “wacky” style you guys are using this time?

A: Yes. We feel we have a history of wackiness in bios to live up to. I realise that your use of the word “wacky” had a certain touch of sarcasm to it, but I honestly believe that our previous efforts have been, if not exactly wacky, then at least unconventional.

Q: Would you care to elaborate on that?

A: Well, our first bio was written in fairy tale style, and was two A4 pages long, in size 8 font. It can still be found somewhere on our web page, at drrock.stormloader.com. We have also done bios in diary style, in HTML and JavaScript formatting, and of course, then there are the ones that we’ve written while drunk.

Q: So you’re not drunk now?

A: No, actually, this is to replace the one we wrote a few days ago while drunk. It was shit. We were kind of surprised. But, no, I’m not drunk at all. I’m actually in my room. It’s a Thursday.

Q: This would probably also be the first bio written in first person, right?

A: I believe so, yes.

Q: And you are?

A: Oh, right, I guess I should have gotten to that earlier. I’m Ptism, the bass player, and sometime singer.

Q: And the other members?

A: Watch the fragmented sentences. Grammar is underrated in today’s society, I believe. I mean, look at SMS for example. I cannot abide people who use abbreviations like “U” for the word “you”, and, more importantly, I cannot abide the use of incorrect punctuation. Even worse is when no punctuation at all is used. And, yes, I realise the irony in the fact that that was a fragmented sentence.

Q: You’re digressing quite severely.

A: Sorry. I know. Well, there’s Mick, who is our drummer. He works as a hairdresser in Ballarat. He’s probably the best drummer we could have ever hoped for. Maybe that’s a kinda weak compliment when you actually think about it, but he really is. Then there’s Matt, who’s our singer, and sometime bass player. He works at Safeway in Ballarat. Notice that I’m using people’s job’s to define who they are, personality wise? I don’t think the world should work that way, but it does. Anyway, Matt, he’s an ace singer, he really is. He can do some amazing things with his voice, not the least of which being he can sometimes sound like Axl Rose. We also have Scrappy, who plays keyboards and organ. He works with me, at Living Fabric in Oakleigh, which is a fabric wholesaler. Scrappy is a classically trained pianist, who learnt for seven years, or maybe more. He’s like a grade 6 or something, which is pretty fucking good. Last, and arguably least, is Clemo, who works at Safeway in Newmarket. Actually, he’s not the least – he’s quite a good guitarist. He should be – he practices for like two hours a day.

Q: So, you guys are pretty good then?

A: I didn’t say that.

Q: But…

A: No, it’s kind of a case of the whole being less than the sum of its parts.

Q: Oh.

A: Well, we’re good with gimmicks.

Q: Yeah, I hear you wear dresses a lot.

A: That’s such bullshit. Who told you that?

Q: Spagger; the bouncer from the Bridge Mall Inn.

A: Christ – for the last time, I’ve worn a dress like twice. Ever.

Q: Anyway. You guys have a CD out, right?

A: Hey, yeah, that’s right. It’s called ‘More Ways To Have Fun!!’ and it has five tracks, one of which I sing on, and four of which Matt sings on. We recorded it for only $46.

Q: That doesn’t sound promising.

A: No, I can see now how it probably wouldn’t. Ignore that thing about recording costs then.

Q: No, I mean the fact that you’ve named the CD after a Tatts Pokies advertising slogan.

A: Err. Yeah. There is that, I guess.

Q: So do you have any bragging stories about the big names you’ve played with, or the massive gigs you’ve headlined, mainly because your friends organised them?

A: What, you mean apart from the wicked gig we played at Ballarat’s Central Square Chopping Centre? That was a highlight of our career, in my opinion. Well, until we got asked to half the volume of our instruments after two songs. Mick had to start playing with his hands. Oh, and then we got booted out after another two for being too loud still – while the drummer was still playing with his hands! Shopping centres eh? Anyway, we’ve played with Area 7, and the Testeagles, oh, oh, and Stormfront. And Klinger – they were nice to us, and actually watched our set. I’d whinge about the awful life of a supporting band – ignored by the headliners! Oh, the horror! – but you’ve probably heard enough of that already, and let’s face it; we pretty much bring it upon ourselves.

Q: What – you bring the role of a supporting band upon yourselves?

A: Well, would you come and see us headline?

Q: Um…I wanted to at that gig you did actually headline, but there were other things on that night – things with free beer on entry.

A: That’s my point.

Q: I’d have no problem watching you guys if you were supporting a band I liked.

A: I appreciate that.

Q: Why are you writing the bio, Ptism?

A: Because I’m the Official Bio Writer.

Q: Who says?

A: Scrappy.

Q: So?

A: He’s the Official Delegation Delegater.

Q: That’s…truly great. Really. So what do you sound like, anyway?

A: Oh man, I knew this question was coming up. Look, I don’t really have an answer for this. We sound like Doctor Rock. Some people like to use the words “filth”, “cradle” and “of” – not necessarily in that order – but I don’t get it myself. For one, I’m too nasal a singer to do anything brooding, or even serious, now that I think of it. And plus, metal bands of that ilk have better keyboard tones than us, and they’re less geeky. Didn’t I give you a CD to listen to? Isn’t that the point of me giving you a CD?

Q: Probably, but…

A: But nothing. Make up your own mind. And before you say it, I’m aware that that was a fragment.

Q: I like the fact that you’re bringing the bio full circle. Is this an indication that we’re almost finished?

A: Yes. The thousand-word mark is fast approaching. That is, unless you have anything else to ask.

Q: Well, do you feel you’ve achieved everything you wanted in these three pages?

A: No, no, not at all. I can’t imagine what anyone reading this would possibly be thinking. Can I just add at this point how much I truly hate Rove?

Q: You’re watching Rove?

A: Yes.

Q: I thought it was a Thursday? Why is Rove on?

A: Actually, it’s not a Tuesday. It’s taken me six days, on and off, to write this thing. I have excuses though, you know, I went to Ballarat to see Matt and Mick, and I’ve been playing Final Fantasy VI every time I get on this computer. Not that I’m a hopeless geek.

Q: Um, right. What about your contact details?

A: [insert appropriate details here]

Q: Thanks. So are you guys real doctors?

A: That question only gets funnier each time I hear it.

Q: Ptism, you still don’t how to end a bio, do you?

A: No.

As may be obvious from the fifteen billion Doctor Rock posts here, I play music. Today, I’d like to talk about new music I am making, with my pal Jeff Crazy from the Movies About Girls Show and and also from popular music groups Helltrack and The Browns and also from Medicine Hat, Canada.

Our band is called Krampus, and we like to make electronic music about parties. Jeff is the vocaliser and I am the tune manufacturer.

We were formed on the Xmas episode of the Movies About Girls Show (in Skype chat, so not actually on the show, technically) and then I sent Jeff eight songs in about a week. Jeff thought two of them were appropriate for the sound he is after. Now I have to stop writing songs in minor keys and stop being a gloomy guts.

Anyway, our first single is called This is how we do it on Friday nights. It’s about how we do it on Friday nights (or how Jeff says he does it, at least. Personally, I am very sleepy on Friday nights and like to lay in bed and watch movies).

You can find the song on our Bandkramp page HERE or you could just click the thing below. I hope you like it.

This week, a short-but-sweet hour-ish long podcast wherein the gang shows up, cracks wise, and then splits. Also, we revisit that time Jimmy Ether and Ken flipped out on menthol sticks.

And Ken talks a little bit about the pictured movie.

You should see it!

Anyway, bite-sized fun!
Download/listen HERE!
Subscribe on iTunes HERE!
Goodbye song by Bobby McClure
See you next week! 

[While trawling the web to find the Doctor Rock logo (a masterpiece of graphic design), I came across this. It's the first bio even written by Doctor Rock, or, to be more accurate, the first Doctor Rock bio written by Clemo and I. 

We put it together for the band website I made for year 12 Media Studies. I got an A.

It's odd to think that we actually handed this out to venues and promoters. Personally, I would not have hired us. We did a number of bios after this - some more coherent, some less. One was a four A4 page document written by Scrappy and I in 'dear diary' style while drunk at a party. Unfortunately, this has not survived.]

A fairy tale written by those in Doctor Rock…aka Our Bio:

In February 2000, suffering acute depression after being ejected from the ranks of Ballarat’s most hated punk band*, Mr. Feenjeen, for suggesting they play a song that wasn’t in 4/4 timing, bassist Ptism began hallucinating. Ptism claims he remembers nothing of the days February 8-23, and for proof offers the fact that he is still wanted, dead or alive, in twenty three dimensions for crimes involving a microphone, a hip-hop breakbeat and Plastic Bertrand’s Ca Plane Pour Moi.

Sometime during those fifteen hazy days, while Ptism was in his vulnerable state, he was tricked by the evil guitar-playing elf, Boyle, who has since hijacked a suitable human vessel, into joining a band. Together, they formed the Tokyo Joystick All-stars, Ballarat’s premier electronic act.

[RIGHT: artist's impression of Tokyo Joystick All-stars]

The trio was ready to crank out some tunes when, suddenly, Ptism was beamed aboard a pan-dimensional reformation space station. Appearing in front of guitarist and judge Clemo, he was offered a choice; the appropriate sentence for his heinous crime, death; or let Clemo join Doctor Rock. Ptism, realizing this was a perfect chance to further his evil plan to turn Doctor Rock into Taxiride by employing four guitarists, eagerly agreed. The four then began to write and practice enthusiastically in anticipation of their first “gig” – a chance to play at Josh from Feenjeen’s birthday.

After a total of four and a half hours practice, Ptism decided they were ready. Later that night, the four played a rugged and shambolic set beginning with the ever-professional Ptism’s revelation that he had, in fact, forgotten all the words to all their songs. Seeing their obvious potential for spreading chaos and evil, singer and love child of Satan, Matt proffered his services to the band. Ptism, while not entirely unhappy with his improvisation of “Something, something, something, something, something, oh, fuck you all” during the verse of Duran Duran’s Girls On Film, was still eager to be able to concentrate on simply playing bass, so accepted. But the now five piece Doctor Rock realized something…they were still relying on Scrappy’s keyboard for drums. One day while practicing in Clemo’s garage, Matt found a strange object. Pausing to clean the dirt off he realized it was a magic lamp, and out of it came drummer, Feenjeen bassist and genie of the lamp, Mick. Mick offered the band three wishes, which they enthusiastically accepted.

“I want a slab that never runs out!” said Matt.

“I want you to be the band’s sex symbol!” said Ptism.

“And I want world peace!” said Boyle.

“No!” said Scrappy. “What we REALLY need is a drummer!”

“Done!” said Mick, and metamorphisised into Doctor Rock’s drummer (and resident sex symbol). And everyone was happy, except for a family of nine in Afghanistan, who were killed by government agents for supposed treason.

Doctor Rock continued to practice for some time after this event. If only they had foreseen the horrible event that loomed above their future like the three tonne anvil suspended only by a frayed rope. In fact, the event was a three tonne anvil suspended only by a frayed rope. And, unfortunately, at the time, Boyle was standing underneath it. Boyle is now recovering in hospital, but is expected to be paraplegic for life, and, accordingly, is out of the band. Get well soon, Boyle, you little trooper.

Doctor Rock have been described as “ska”, “rock”, “rap”, “crap bio writers” and “Middle-Eastern flavoured” and have also been accused of playing “that ethnic shit” by Feenjeen’s Boring Tim. This obvious musical diversity comes from their range of influences, which include: the teachings of Karl Marx, Richard Marx, Groucho, Zeppo, Harpo and Chico Marx, Mr Bungle, Mr Feenjeen, Plastic Bertrand, A-Ha, Wesley Willis, Toto, Ultravox, Milli Vanilli, the Dalai Lama, Ween, those giants with their big big spoons, Faith No More, Alfred Lord Tennyson, cheese, Thatcherite economics, Derryn Hinch, Joseph Conrad, Jellybean Addiction, Vyvyan and Neil from the Young Ones and the Elliot brothers – Herb, TS and John.

Doctor Rock have great hopes for the future. That is, of course, assuming there will be a future, because, let’s face it, the last age of man is upon us, as prophesied in the bible (Psalm 1:1, if I’m not mistaken). Anyway, if we do survive past the age of 20, we hope to be acknowledged as the crappest band in Victoria, a title we already hold in our hearts.

People who didn’t take any notice of this wish include: the judges at the 2000 Battle of the Bands, who placed us 5th out of 9 bands, and your mum. Who really likes us. Well…she likes Clemo. We can’t explain that…anyway, I’m digressing…

And, we were nominated in the Ballarat Independant Music Awards! Sure, we didn’t win (what, you were really expecting us to?), but, well, we did better than Feenjeen.

So, as well as that, the Bridge Mall Inn keeps getting us back there too. And they pay us money. And give us drinks. As in, us. I mean, what’s wrong with these people?! Oh, and…um…we’re all very brave, and have all had lots of girlfriends. No, really.

Various members of Doctor Rock (well…ok…Ptism and Clemo) were involved in writing the Feenjeen bio for last years Battle of the Bands, which was described as “the crappest bio ever” by a Funship member. This bio has been an attempt to take over that title. We feel we have been successful, but, unfortunately, we still don’t know how to end a bio.

Erm…

Love,

Doctor Rock

* According to a quick poll of the Doctor Rock office.