Teething Problems

Something tells me I'm going to run out of stories pretty quickly if I keep this up, but nonetheless, I though I'd throw another one out there.

The restaurant that I spent the vast majority of my time as a chef at was a great place - the people were good (with one exception) and the food was interesting. The only problem was that it was a relatively small place. It seated 80, but we only had 5 people in the kitchen; the owner/head chef, his wife, who would "plate up" the food, a dishwasher (who was, quite often, the son of the owners) and two apprentices. This put a lot of pressure on the staff - for example, when Paul, the other apprentice, would go to his course on a Thursday, that left only four of us. Same for when I would go on Tuesdays.

Obviously, these days were picked by the owners to have the least impact on the rest of the kitchen staff. I almost had to do mine on a Friday, due to a mix-up at the cooking college, which would have been disastrous.

I didn't take a sick day in the year and two months I worked at that place. Not because I wasn't sick, but because I knew that I really couldn't. Paul had a few days off, here and there. One week, Paul got gastro. Naturally, he took a few days off for that one, but come Saturday (which was a half day for us - just the dinner shift) there was no choice but for him to come in, since we had 60 people booked already. So he went and got a shot of penicillin and came in. That set the bar pretty fucking high, let me tell you.

So it was pretty typical that the next week my wisdom teeth, which had always given me a bit of trouble, but not so much that I could actually be arsed going to the dentist, started playing up a bit. Nothing too bad - just some aching. Well, nothing too bad til I woke up on the Wednesday barely able to open my mouth wide enough to eat a piece of toast.

It actually got worse throughout the day, to the point that, when I woke up the next day, I couldn't even eat a piece of toast. I had to break little bits off. Like a fucking bird.

At this point, I figured it was probably worth going to the dentist. He told me that my top left wisdom tooth had been biting down on the lower one, which had in turn got infected, which had in turn spread to my jaw, and that it would require antibiotics. And that I would have to come in on the Saturday afternoon and have it removed. I was due to start work at 4. I had the tooth out at 2.

If it weren't for Paul raising the bar, I probably could have skipped out on that one. As it was, I went into work at 4, still biting on a piece of gauze, and still unable to open my mouth. And you know what they made for staff dinner that night? Hamburgers. Fucking hamburgers.

"Homemade" Pizza

Today's recipe is ultra simple, and probably in the range of about AU$5. Here's what you'll need for one of these:

• 1 Homebrand Frozen Pizza
• 2 Mushrooms
• 100g Shredded Ham
• 50g Salami
• 1 Pack of Cabanossi
• 1 Capsicum
• Cheese
• 1 Egg (optional)
• Anchovies (optional)

Honestly, though, it's up to you what you put on it. I've done it before with prawns and rocket, and that was pretty awesome. I've stuck with something pretty straight forward with this one, but only because it was cheaper. Use some imagination, you bum.

Step One

We'll begin by cutting up the cabanossi. Really, it's not that important what order you do things in, but for the sake of structure, we'll do it my way.

Cut them as thin as you can, but remember the golden rule: Don't cut like a retard.

At this point you could probably pre-heat the oven. I forget what I had it on. 200c, I think.

Step Two

Chop the mushrooms thinly.

Also, the rule with mushrooms is not to wash them under water. Brush them with a paper towel to get the shit off. Literally shit, in some cases.

Step Three

Have you ever tried to eat one of these pizzas without adding anything to it? They're fucking horrible.

Placing the pizza on a tray, you can now begin to put the toppings on. Shredded ham goes first, then mushrooms, and then the salami, which you can cut into smaller pieces if you want, then the cabanossi and mushroom.

Step Four

Following that, remember that you forgot to chop the capsicum. Do this now, and put it on the pizza.

Then, if you're adding anchovies, chop them up, and put them on the pizza. Or don't chop them. It doesn't really matter.

Step Five

Now that all the toppings are on, you can grate some cheese. You can, if you wish, use mozzarella, but I'm not made of money, so I didn't. Tasty cheese works just fine, anyway.

See how I'm holding the cheese, with my fingers well away from the sharp bits? This is cause I hate blood in my cheese. Don't grate like a dick.

Step Six

After putting the cheese on the pizza, I cracked an egg in the middle. This is often referred to as "Aussie" and is super tasty, however, it's not totally necessary. Housemate Sam, for example, referred to it as "a slap in the face of God" or "a really shit idea" or words to that effect - I can't remember exactly what he said, and nor should I be expected to.

Following this, the pizza goes in the oven. I can't remember how long for, but the point is, if it's browning around the edges, it's probably done.

Step Seven

After however long it was, the pizza was mostly done. Well, it was brown on the edges, but the egg wasn't totally cooked, so I put it under the grill for a bit, which fixed it up real nice.

It was, for the record, pretty damn good.