Little Mathletics

Well, the Golden Joystick Awards are on again. Once again, they’re being organised by Future plc, “international special-interest media” who employ “over 1,500 people worldwide”, none of whom, bizarrely, are me.

For the uninitiated, this is pretty much the closest thing that the games industry has to an official awards ceremony, albeit one that’s voted for by the public. Just a hint, Future, and, you know, I realise this is the 24th one and all, and I imagine that it’s all been going pretty well up til now and there’s not really much need to change things and all - not to mention the fact that I’m probably not important enought to listen to, let alone employ - but it’s a bit hard to take something seriously when it’s voted for by the same knobby public that bought over two million Goddamn copies of 50 Cent: Bulletproof.

Still, even if no one is taking Henry Jenkins’ suggestion that “the industry needs to provide some awards which recognize risk-taking and innovation rather than commercial success” on board, it’s better than nothing. This year’s going to be televised, too - though unless you’re in the UK and able to watch it on ITV, you’ll have to catch it on computerandvideogames.com. And, while the TV broadcast will anchored by “MTV babe” and “top-flight model” Emma Griffiths - who I bet just knows so much about games - the actually ceremony itself will be held at the Park Lane Hilton, in London in the “glitzy” Grand Ballroom.

But who will be hosting? “A top secret celebrity guest”, of course! Honestly, I swear to God, if it’s Paris Hilton, I’m going to hurt someone. And, since I’m not actually in the UK, or particularly violent, it’s probably going to be a Nintendog. Is that what you want on your collective conscience, Future? IS IT?

Oddly, the ceremony itself will be taking place on the 27th of October, almost a full month before it hits the small screen on the 24th of November. Well, maybe that’s not odd, really. I imagine it takes a bit of forward planning for ITV to fit something other than Eastenders on.

Anyways, this years categories are:

• Ultimate Game of The Year
• Publisher of The Year
• The One to Watch For 2007
• Editor’s Choice Award (clearly, this is the one that’s not voted for by you, the knobby public, unless you happen to be an Editor at Future, in which case I would like a job, please)
• Retailer of The Year
• Soundtrack Award
• Online Game of The Year
• PC Game of The Year
• PlayStation Game of The Year
• Xbox Game of The Year
• Nintendo Game of The Year
• Handheld Game of The Year
• Innovation Award
• Kids Game of The Year
• Favourite Character Award
• Girls Choice Award
• Multiplay Game of The Year

So, now you can go and vote at www.goldenjoystick.co.uk - they’re trying to “smash the 250,000 votes mark” you know. Just a quiet word though - if you vote for anything other than We Love Katamari for the soundtrack award, or anything other than New Super Mario Bros. or Psychonauts for the ultimate game award, I’m going to find you and stab you in the mouth.